Do you ever cry and not know why?
I talk about melancholy a lot, and sadness a lot. I've written about how sadness can be good, and that we should learn to feel it all. But yesterday was different. It was a sadness that felt horrible to have. It was different than melancholy, or even grief.
I walked into Trader Joes shaking with at pit in my stomach, and as soon as I walked out onto the floor to clock in my eyes started to mist and the crying would not stop. For what reason? What was wrong? I didn't quite know how to explain that to anyone who was asking me. I just know that I couldn't stop crying for about an hour. A snotty, red-eye, wet face cry.
Depression. Inexplicable depression. My life feels small and meaningless right now.
But I am here for good reason. I am here because I feel I need to be right now and that should be reason enough. Suck it up. Right?
No. God doesn't tell us to suck it up. He guides us through hardships in our lives, and asks us to make sacrifices sometimes, but would never ask us to lose our joy and suck it up. Never. God's greatest joy is for us to live fully and joyfully. And when we DO make those sacrifices he asks us to it is in the name of finding that joy He knows we can have, that life that makes us feel full. This sadness is not right. This sadness connects to something that is... wrong, I suppose.
I feel slightly defeated. I live in a broken world, but must I go through this cycle of unhappiness my whole life? Is that all I have to look forward to? Joy and then sadness, followed by joy, and then sadness again. It's hard on the soul, this overwhelming joy followed my a hot sadness. The two extremes are causing me to break. Lord Jesus, if this is the life I have to live on this Earth then take me to heaven. Please. Spare me from this turmoil.
But He stops me, tells me to rest my soul, and reminds me there is SO much more to look forward to on this Earth. My sadness is nudging me to take a few steps forward.
What I really want to do is quit my job, quit my responsibilities, and take a month off of life to do what I fully enjoy. But I can't for now. I am where I am, but all is not lost because of that. I am where I am and God meets me there. With Him he brings Joy.
