Today I surprise my parents. By the time this blog is posted my family and I will have stood around my new bedroom in my new house and explained that I'm not actually visiting... I'm staying, man.
That is scary. This week has been an overwhelming one. I'm from here- this greater Chicago area. I've also been back here countless times after I moved away into the world of traveling gypsy. This is different. This time I am over-sensitive to my surroundings. After having lived in Estes Park for eleven months (a big feat on my part- The Drifter) my surroundings have become not only a place my body is, but a place my spirit is and a place my spirit feeds off of. Mountain after mountain lined up, just miles away from where my feet were planted, huge snow caps. When the darkness falls it still does not cover the majesty of the mountains; the moon will shine and the snow caps will still glow. The bears and foxes come out. In the day time the elk gather in massive herds, and all things feel as though they should be.
Then I hopped in my car and changed my life. How did I change my life? I don't know yet, I just have this deep feeling that this coming year in life will be a big one. A huge one. Probably not and easy one. But here I stand in the middle of too many cars, busy roads, and an over-stimulated culture. I am overwhelmed. A pretty big part of me just wants to be back to where I am comfortable. Back in nature, where I can just walk to the base of most of those mountains from what used to be my front door. I miss my dear Joanna, and I miss going to work at probably one of the best jobs I've ever had. The reasoning for that being the people; the people I worked with who I keep so close to my heart, and the people who would come into our store for their caffeine fix. I have a whole lot of love for them.
But now I pray for continuing trust, and peace. If I didn't have either of those things to begin with I wouldn't be sitting in my new house, in my new living room, right across the street from my sister and her family in Wheaton, Illinois. Wheaton... of all places. Of all the places in the world I have lived, of all the beautiful things I have seen and done, of all the ties I have and places I could be, here I am.
The Lord is doing something exciting. I'm actually a little scared. I feel like I am sitting here in the dark waiting to have a glimpse of light be revealed to me about what I am here for. Right now I know nothing. I just trust.
A fitting week this is to move here: Holy Week. I've attended some of the services at my new church here and already have had an inexplicable flood of emotions come from just a couple of powerful evening services. These services are meant to mourn the death of Christ before his Resurrection. How fitting these services are to my emotional state here, now. I feel as though I am also mourning a death of a part of myself, eager to have a resurrection of my own.
Until then, I sit in the quiet darkness with my God and I trust him. In that I find comfort.
