"The Lord is near to me with my broken heart, and he saves me with my contrite spirit."
"for in the time of trouble... He shall set me up upon a rock."
"I will set my dwelling in and among you. And my soul will not despise or reject or separate itself from you. And I will walk in, and with, and among you and will be your God, and your shall be mine."
How?
To know that the Lord will never forsake me, but to feel worthless and rejected. There's not much I can do here. All I have the desire to do is wake up and cry as I look into the sky. Wish for the black hole to swallow me, because somewhere in my heart I think that no one will remember or care much anyway.
But the Lord, He'll set me up upon a rock. I am His.
These words are helpful words, but they have not sunk into my heart. There's something there that's taking up too much space. There's a feeling in my heart that refuses to let these words comfort me. No matter how much I desperately want, and how much I desperately need them to comfort me.
Why must such terrible feeling exist? Why does it seem like there's nothing I can do about them?
My sister, Kimberly, encouraged me to not let being forgettable become part of my identity. But I've been forgotten for so many years, and I'm afraid it may already have. I'm afraid it has become part of my identity since childhood. Making this feeling all the harder to shake.
And.
there is
nothing
I
can
do.
How can God comfort me now? Where is the rock He's going to set me on? I feel like it's just been thrown at me. For the first time a feeling so deep has left me feeling hopeless about it's departure from my life. Usually there's a glimmer.
Not today.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
unforgettable
Last Autumn I was living in Seattle with a sad feeling that sunk deeply into my heart. I don't quite know where it came from, but it was so heavy on me for an entire four months.
On one particular day I'm sure I had been crying, lying in bed all day, and reading. My dad called later that day to see how I was doing. He has this way of asking questions, digging deep, and helping me figure out the root of my feelings, or just my feelings in general. I only remember two things about that conversation. One: the phone was slippery and wet from all my sobbing tears which felt absolutely disgusting on my cheek. Two: I had discovered the root feeling of so many tears over my lifetime.
He had been asking me questions of, why do I get angry when "this" happens, and what triggers my sadness, and so-on. Finally, there was a short silence.
I answered to my dad in tears, "I'm afraid of being forgotten"...
I swear he could feel my despair through the telephone. His voice quivered, "There's a giant hole in your heart there, isn't there?"
"Yes." I realized.... and I lost it.
I am afraid of being forgotten. Every once in awhile that wound gets rubbed back open and bleeds a lot, and hurts a lot.
Right now, it hurts a lot.
My biggest fear in life, and I don't say this lightly, is being forgettable. I don't even ask for some great big space in peoples hearts. Just to simply be there.
And more often than not I feel as though I have failed. I feel as though I am perhaps the most forgettable person in peoples lives.
I don't say this as 22 year old woman waving, smiling, "DONT FORGET ABOUT ME FOLKS!"
I say this feeling small, like a four-year-old not loud enough to call out to her friends who have trailed so far ahead of her in a vast cornfield, "guys, hey, I'm back here, please don't forget about me".
Hey guys, I'm back here...
On one particular day I'm sure I had been crying, lying in bed all day, and reading. My dad called later that day to see how I was doing. He has this way of asking questions, digging deep, and helping me figure out the root of my feelings, or just my feelings in general. I only remember two things about that conversation. One: the phone was slippery and wet from all my sobbing tears which felt absolutely disgusting on my cheek. Two: I had discovered the root feeling of so many tears over my lifetime.
He had been asking me questions of, why do I get angry when "this" happens, and what triggers my sadness, and so-on. Finally, there was a short silence.
I answered to my dad in tears, "I'm afraid of being forgotten"...
I swear he could feel my despair through the telephone. His voice quivered, "There's a giant hole in your heart there, isn't there?"
"Yes." I realized.... and I lost it.
I am afraid of being forgotten. Every once in awhile that wound gets rubbed back open and bleeds a lot, and hurts a lot.
Right now, it hurts a lot.
My biggest fear in life, and I don't say this lightly, is being forgettable. I don't even ask for some great big space in peoples hearts. Just to simply be there.
And more often than not I feel as though I have failed. I feel as though I am perhaps the most forgettable person in peoples lives.
I don't say this as 22 year old woman waving, smiling, "DONT FORGET ABOUT ME FOLKS!"
I say this feeling small, like a four-year-old not loud enough to call out to her friends who have trailed so far ahead of her in a vast cornfield, "guys, hey, I'm back here, please don't forget about me".
Hey guys, I'm back here...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
fell to sleep, and fell to peace
This morning I woke up with an overwhelming peace.
I lay in bed last night with a sudden urgency to pray. There was a sense of uneasy spirits in the air around me, and I prayed to be protected in my heart, mind, spirit, and body. It's been a long time since I've had that uneasy feeling, but it has happened often, and I do believe that our spirits are so vulnerable when we sleep. Nightmares used to terror me since I was just a little girl.
My sleep had been very peaceful for so long... until this moment last night. And then I prayed. I prayed for sweet dreams sent from God Himself.
I'll be honest, dark dreams have occurred so often that there was a tinge of faithlessness about God actually protecting my dreams last night. But as I fell into my sleep I was met with a fantastical dream where I was standing inside an airplane flying over the Earth. Not just any airplane though, a skydiving airplane. I was so calm here in this place. I didn't know what to do, but I felt the need to jump so I did. When I jumped the leap sent me into such a peaceful soar through the sky where I remember seeing such beauty surrounding me. There was no heart racing adrenalin or anything. I smiled and took as much in as I could in this short moment.
As I neared the ground I remember not knowing if I had a parachute on, but I trusted that the Lord would guide me even though I was just the slightest bit fearful. When I found the parachute I didn't know how to land, but knew to trust my instincts and do what came naturally as I landed so quickly on the green grass of the Earth.
I remember smiling so big, wishing I could do it all over again because of how peaceful it was, and I didn't quite get to see enough of the beauty that was everywhere. It was such a comfortable, and new place as I was free falling through the air.
A crowd of people ran up to me asking me all these questions about it thinking, of course, that it was like any other skydiving experience you'd expect. I explained that it wasn't at all like a normal experience. It wasn't all what they thought. This was different. What I had done was wonderful.
Whatever I had experienced up there put a very, very deep peace about me. And peace is the only word I have because of its overwhelming hugeness in my dream. The peace was not ending there at my landing, but just beginning.
What a wonderful feeling to wake up to. What a wonderful God to protect my sleeping vulnerability and gift me with such great things.
I lay in bed last night with a sudden urgency to pray. There was a sense of uneasy spirits in the air around me, and I prayed to be protected in my heart, mind, spirit, and body. It's been a long time since I've had that uneasy feeling, but it has happened often, and I do believe that our spirits are so vulnerable when we sleep. Nightmares used to terror me since I was just a little girl.
My sleep had been very peaceful for so long... until this moment last night. And then I prayed. I prayed for sweet dreams sent from God Himself.
I'll be honest, dark dreams have occurred so often that there was a tinge of faithlessness about God actually protecting my dreams last night. But as I fell into my sleep I was met with a fantastical dream where I was standing inside an airplane flying over the Earth. Not just any airplane though, a skydiving airplane. I was so calm here in this place. I didn't know what to do, but I felt the need to jump so I did. When I jumped the leap sent me into such a peaceful soar through the sky where I remember seeing such beauty surrounding me. There was no heart racing adrenalin or anything. I smiled and took as much in as I could in this short moment.
As I neared the ground I remember not knowing if I had a parachute on, but I trusted that the Lord would guide me even though I was just the slightest bit fearful. When I found the parachute I didn't know how to land, but knew to trust my instincts and do what came naturally as I landed so quickly on the green grass of the Earth.
I remember smiling so big, wishing I could do it all over again because of how peaceful it was, and I didn't quite get to see enough of the beauty that was everywhere. It was such a comfortable, and new place as I was free falling through the air.
A crowd of people ran up to me asking me all these questions about it thinking, of course, that it was like any other skydiving experience you'd expect. I explained that it wasn't at all like a normal experience. It wasn't all what they thought. This was different. What I had done was wonderful.
Whatever I had experienced up there put a very, very deep peace about me. And peace is the only word I have because of its overwhelming hugeness in my dream. The peace was not ending there at my landing, but just beginning.
What a wonderful feeling to wake up to. What a wonderful God to protect my sleeping vulnerability and gift me with such great things.
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