"The Lord is near to me with my broken heart, and he saves me with my contrite spirit."
"for in the time of trouble... He shall set me up upon a rock."
"I will set my dwelling in and among you. And my soul will not despise or reject or separate itself from you. And I will walk in, and with, and among you and will be your God, and your shall be mine."
How?
To know that the Lord will never forsake me, but to feel worthless and rejected. There's not much I can do here. All I have the desire to do is wake up and cry as I look into the sky. Wish for the black hole to swallow me, because somewhere in my heart I think that no one will remember or care much anyway.
But the Lord, He'll set me up upon a rock. I am His.
These words are helpful words, but they have not sunk into my heart. There's something there that's taking up too much space. There's a feeling in my heart that refuses to let these words comfort me. No matter how much I desperately want, and how much I desperately need them to comfort me.
Why must such terrible feeling exist? Why does it seem like there's nothing I can do about them?
My sister, Kimberly, encouraged me to not let being forgettable become part of my identity. But I've been forgotten for so many years, and I'm afraid it may already have. I'm afraid it has become part of my identity since childhood. Making this feeling all the harder to shake.
And.
there is
nothing
I
can
do.
How can God comfort me now? Where is the rock He's going to set me on? I feel like it's just been thrown at me. For the first time a feeling so deep has left me feeling hopeless about it's departure from my life. Usually there's a glimmer.
Not today.
