I fought for a long time the fads of the boob tube. After watching way too much of it as a kid, and then realizing how darn nice it was not to have a TV around I sort of decided the the thing was just evil. The more time I spend away from it the stupider it seems to get.
But we all fall into the clutches of evil sometimes, don't we? LOST: evil. Totally evil. I hated that show before I even knew what it was about. And then it grabbed me by the face and sucked me in. Once I started watching Gilmore Girls from the beginning I didn't want to stop. WOULD Lorelei end up with Luke? What was Rory going to do after College? Drama in Stars Hollow too juicy to pass. Especially on cold winter nights tucked away in a cozy mountain home.
And then came Downton Abbey. Is it Downtown Abbey? Or was it Downton? And what is a downton? Who is Abbey, anyway? And why the heck does EVERYONE watch it and care so much about the happenings of a certain place in England in the early 1900s. It's silly, really: wasting your time on a show that means nothing to your life.
Until my sister convinced me to watch just the first episode since it was there. I sat down to Netflix with a snack at hand planning to shut it off and watch something else in about ten minutes time, when in about nine minutes time I found myself enthralled. And doomed. One month later I released myself from the grasp of Downton Abbey and finished watching every available episode. Instead of thinking about watching it, I find myself just thinking about it. What am I thinking about so often? And why do I like it so much?
Geez.
Will someone tell me when Downton Abbey starts back up again in the States?
I got the first two episodes of this new season about a month ago from someone who downloaded it from the British folks himself. I need more. More more more.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Please be careful when you break me.
God has an interesting way of working in our lives.
Yes, our choices have a lot to do with our hurts and fears, but God plays a roll in what He allows us to bear or not bear.
So why has He cut my identity down in this one specific way? Why has He allowed for my heart to be pierced by this overwhelming insecurity? Over and over and over again I have prayed, and tried, and journaled, and processed about being forgettable. I work on making better decisions yet I find that I am pierced with the feeling of being that girl that just can't be loved, so she gets pushed to the side to make room for someone more time-worthy, more love-worthy. I am left asking myself what it is that is wrong with me? What did I do wrong this time? Perhaps I am simply not enough... not enough for anyone it seems.
Is God trying to cut me down? I know we must be broken before we can be re-built stronger, but God, you're losing me here. Some people knowingly (albeit subconsciously) walk into situations that will make them feel one way or another. I assure you this is not my case. I assure you I desperately want to stay away from the feeling of being not enough. Then does it make it true? Because I can't seem to stay away from this banner above my head, is it true?
Will God show me that these are lies? When? How? Or do I just have to stand here alone and take the hit each time.
I don't know how to pray my way or work my way through this one. I need help.
Yes, our choices have a lot to do with our hurts and fears, but God plays a roll in what He allows us to bear or not bear.
So why has He cut my identity down in this one specific way? Why has He allowed for my heart to be pierced by this overwhelming insecurity? Over and over and over again I have prayed, and tried, and journaled, and processed about being forgettable. I work on making better decisions yet I find that I am pierced with the feeling of being that girl that just can't be loved, so she gets pushed to the side to make room for someone more time-worthy, more love-worthy. I am left asking myself what it is that is wrong with me? What did I do wrong this time? Perhaps I am simply not enough... not enough for anyone it seems.
Is God trying to cut me down? I know we must be broken before we can be re-built stronger, but God, you're losing me here. Some people knowingly (albeit subconsciously) walk into situations that will make them feel one way or another. I assure you this is not my case. I assure you I desperately want to stay away from the feeling of being not enough. Then does it make it true? Because I can't seem to stay away from this banner above my head, is it true?
Will God show me that these are lies? When? How? Or do I just have to stand here alone and take the hit each time.
I don't know how to pray my way or work my way through this one. I need help.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Why does God favor?
This evening I participated in a Shabbat.
I walked in the door of a stranger's home trailing behind friends of mine and was greeted with, "Shabbat Shalom". We gathered around a table, sang songs in Hebrew, praised the Lord. We shot some wine, broke some bread, and then ate together. The night ended with reading and discussion of Jacob and Esau (a passage I still find perplexing).
At sundown this evening began the Sabbath. Twenty-five hours of peace, shalom.
In a small part of our evening discussion a few of us pondered God's sovereignty and the fact the we just downright don't understand it. Now how could God favor Jacob over Esau, how could God harden the heart of Pharaoh but take Noah and his family to save and reap destruction on the rest of humanity? It makes my heart sad, and in the culture and world I live in, in the only way that my human mind knows how to try and understand God's sovereignty... I just don't get it.
I want to get it, I want to understand it. But do we need God if we understand it?
At this point a very wise woman stood up (not for dramatic effect, but because she needed to stretch her legs, but I like to pretend it was for dramatic effect) and exclaimed that one man she knew lost his home, his entire belongings, his life's work in the recent flood out here in Colorado, while her home was feet (literally feet) away from the river and was completely untouched. It should have been gone. "Does God love me more than He loves him?" She questioned and looked us deeply in the eyes, "No. Absolutely not. Absolutely not." But do we know why one house was destroyed, while the other should have been but wasn't? No. We don't. Every day she puts her key into the door and walks into her home she prays for that friend of her's that lost everything, and she thanks the Lord for His grace.
I don't know why God hardens hearts, and I don't know why he sends floods about the world. I don't know why he favored one brother over the other, and so and and so forth. But I can thank His glorious name for what I have been given in my own life. I can thank Him that He has not hardened my heart, and as I walk into the door of my home or open up my bible I can pray for those who have been hardened. I can take the gift of love that I have been given and spread it. I can ask God for mercy upon those people who's hearts are hard when they don't know how to ask for mercy themselves. Maybe part of why He does it is to bring us outside of ourselves.
If there is one thing about the character of God that I have learned in my short 25 years it is that God greatly loves to listen to the prayers of His people. But God is far outside any box we try to fit Him in. So why does He do it the way He does? I don't know. But I am grateful that I get to pray knowing that His ear tenderly listens.
Lord, I pray for the hearts of the ones you deeply love in this world that have been hardened to you, themselves, their loved ones, and all around them. I pray that you would place divinity and love in the lives of them that chisels away at the hard and the hurt to make them tender again in a beautiful way. I pray that you would place questions in the hearts of ALL of your people, believers and non-believers, and then provide them with truth in a way that speaks to each of them individually in a way that most romances them.
Thank You for life itself, and this Earth we live on.
Amen.
Shabbat Shalom.
I walked in the door of a stranger's home trailing behind friends of mine and was greeted with, "Shabbat Shalom". We gathered around a table, sang songs in Hebrew, praised the Lord. We shot some wine, broke some bread, and then ate together. The night ended with reading and discussion of Jacob and Esau (a passage I still find perplexing).
At sundown this evening began the Sabbath. Twenty-five hours of peace, shalom.
In a small part of our evening discussion a few of us pondered God's sovereignty and the fact the we just downright don't understand it. Now how could God favor Jacob over Esau, how could God harden the heart of Pharaoh but take Noah and his family to save and reap destruction on the rest of humanity? It makes my heart sad, and in the culture and world I live in, in the only way that my human mind knows how to try and understand God's sovereignty... I just don't get it.
I want to get it, I want to understand it. But do we need God if we understand it?
At this point a very wise woman stood up (not for dramatic effect, but because she needed to stretch her legs, but I like to pretend it was for dramatic effect) and exclaimed that one man she knew lost his home, his entire belongings, his life's work in the recent flood out here in Colorado, while her home was feet (literally feet) away from the river and was completely untouched. It should have been gone. "Does God love me more than He loves him?" She questioned and looked us deeply in the eyes, "No. Absolutely not. Absolutely not." But do we know why one house was destroyed, while the other should have been but wasn't? No. We don't. Every day she puts her key into the door and walks into her home she prays for that friend of her's that lost everything, and she thanks the Lord for His grace.
I don't know why God hardens hearts, and I don't know why he sends floods about the world. I don't know why he favored one brother over the other, and so and and so forth. But I can thank His glorious name for what I have been given in my own life. I can thank Him that He has not hardened my heart, and as I walk into the door of my home or open up my bible I can pray for those who have been hardened. I can take the gift of love that I have been given and spread it. I can ask God for mercy upon those people who's hearts are hard when they don't know how to ask for mercy themselves. Maybe part of why He does it is to bring us outside of ourselves.
If there is one thing about the character of God that I have learned in my short 25 years it is that God greatly loves to listen to the prayers of His people. But God is far outside any box we try to fit Him in. So why does He do it the way He does? I don't know. But I am grateful that I get to pray knowing that His ear tenderly listens.
Lord, I pray for the hearts of the ones you deeply love in this world that have been hardened to you, themselves, their loved ones, and all around them. I pray that you would place divinity and love in the lives of them that chisels away at the hard and the hurt to make them tender again in a beautiful way. I pray that you would place questions in the hearts of ALL of your people, believers and non-believers, and then provide them with truth in a way that speaks to each of them individually in a way that most romances them.
Thank You for life itself, and this Earth we live on.
Amen.
Shabbat Shalom.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)