Last Autumn I was living in Seattle with a sad feeling that sunk deeply into my heart. I don't quite know where it came from, but it was so heavy on me for an entire four months.
On one particular day I'm sure I had been crying, lying in bed all day, and reading. My dad called later that day to see how I was doing. He has this way of asking questions, digging deep, and helping me figure out the root of my feelings, or just my feelings in general. I only remember two things about that conversation. One: the phone was slippery and wet from all my sobbing tears which felt absolutely disgusting on my cheek. Two: I had discovered the root feeling of so many tears over my lifetime.
He had been asking me questions of, why do I get angry when "this" happens, and what triggers my sadness, and so-on. Finally, there was a short silence.
I answered to my dad in tears, "I'm afraid of being forgotten"...
I swear he could feel my despair through the telephone. His voice quivered, "There's a giant hole in your heart there, isn't there?"
"Yes." I realized.... and I lost it.
I am afraid of being forgotten. Every once in awhile that wound gets rubbed back open and bleeds a lot, and hurts a lot.
Right now, it hurts a lot.
My biggest fear in life, and I don't say this lightly, is being forgettable. I don't even ask for some great big space in peoples hearts. Just to simply be there.
And more often than not I feel as though I have failed. I feel as though I am perhaps the most forgettable person in peoples lives.
I don't say this as 22 year old woman waving, smiling, "DONT FORGET ABOUT ME FOLKS!"
I say this feeling small, like a four-year-old not loud enough to call out to her friends who have trailed so far ahead of her in a vast cornfield, "guys, hey, I'm back here, please don't forget about me".
Hey guys, I'm back here...
