Spare the love and spread the embarrassment. Or just spread both.

Why oh, why are there those of us who embarrass so easily?
Actually, let me articulate that a little better. I don't feel embarrassed all that easily, my face, however, likes to deceive those around me. Or is it I who is the one doing the deceiving?
The slightest hint of flattery, the passing of a handsome man, the smallest bit of talk of something one probably shouldn't hear, and there go my cheeks. Blushed and flushed.
Don't EVEN get me started on the handsome man thing. Okay well it's too late.
May I just express my frustration with my inability to speak to any handsome man? Particularly with the ones I actually see myself having no future with.
Exhibit A: Binny's Boy. Or rather, Binny's Man. After all, someone with a beard like his could never be called a boy. It's a big beard. It's red. He probably brews his own beer. He lingers by the salads for awhile, then picks out the ripest banana. Then always goes through a lucky lady's register line at Trader Joes. Who is not ever the lucky lady? Well, me. Until Monday, that is. He bought a single granny smith apple and was the first to walk up to my line. How do I make conversation with a handsome man who likes to brew beer, and drink beer, and grow beards, and look handsome? I turn flush red and gaze lovingly at only the green apple lying there on the counter while my silly red face tries desperately to fight off a gushy smile and looses. Then I say, "So whattaya drinkin'?" not to him, but to his Starbucks cup. The cup answers, "You sound like a dummy", and he answers so kindly with an explanation that he loves pour-over brew. You know, if you go in at the right time of day they'll make one for you? Yes, actually, I do know because I love coffee and worked at Starbucks for years. Too bad I couldn't stop pretending I was in love with his granny smith apple and make conversation about the abundance of things we have in common: Starbucks, beer, and I'm just sure there's a whole list there. Promise.
All the while he works two doors down from me in the same building. Shouldn't I just go buy some beer for goodness sakes? No, because I already know how that conversion will go. I will stare at the Binny's emblem on his shirt with a red face and a dumb smile, then I will ask, "So whattaya doin'?"
Exhibit B: Well, should I? Probably not, because exhibit B and C and D and F and K and Z and all forever of them are, with my luck, someone who will either read this or know someone reading this.
Stuttering, smiling at my feet, saying stupid things about how I'm sweating too much, repeating the same question over and over and over again in the same conversion. That's the gist. I'll spare you the rest of the details.
Sometimes I'm a little witty. Sometimes my face is not flushed red. Most of the time I don't even feel awkward, because I am human and you are human and sometimes we just do dumb human things like punch ourselves in the face while we're tying to open up a box that's taped shut. Multiple times. In public. Either way, we all do dumb things.
So next time you see me if you could just trip up the stairs and let out a good fart as your catching yourself that would very much please me and my need to not feel like the only one who makes a fool of herself on a daily basis. I just need a good laugh at someone other than myself. Believe you me, I get a damn good laugh out of my own misfortunes. But can I spread the love? Let's spread the love.

Spiritual Warfar

Dreams have always been a huge part of my life. Its like I live in another spiritual realm when I finally drift. Sometimes it's fill with terror, and sometimes with extreme peace. Last night it was... leeches.
I dreamed I was on a dock near dark, black water in the dark. HUGE, long, hard and round leaches up to the size of my arm were jumping out of the water and throwing themselves at me trying to stick to me for the satisfaction of sucking on my precious blood and taking away the very thing that gives me life. I'm happy to say none of them actually got to me, but they got awfully close and they did a great job of terrifying me. Remembering that leeches don't like salt, I ran to get some and poured salt over this one giant leech. As soon as I did his skin started smoking and he began screaming a high pitched, horrible scream as though he were a Ringwraith in disguise. Funny enough, that terrified me more than the fact that they were flinging themselves desperately at me.
The dream ended with me unharmed, albeit, a little frightened.

Instantly I knew that this was a dream of spiritual warfare.
Last night with my Sr. High girls at youth group I felt the need to pray for all the weary souls in the room. I felt as though a spiritual attack could have been upon us. I think my dream was showing me that God is and was protecting us and working. He's showing me the power of prayer through my dream. The Devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but Christ came to give us life, and to the full. My God is the Salt of the Earth. Sprinkle His name around your life and He will protect you from the Evil One.

Slow down for a fast.

Ash Wednesday is upon us, my friends. A day that has mostly had the meaning of a rich and buttery baked potato topped with melted cheese and slathered with sour cream. The Catholic church down the street did their duty in teaching me that these Ash Wednesdays are the beginning of a season that is plentiful with flaky fish and buttery potatoes. I didn't grow up Catholic, but man, they had something good going on there. That's the most lent has ever meant to me: butter. This season however, it's a little different.
I've never participated in the Lenten season before. I've never wanted to, never felt convicted to, and never quite fully understood the reason for it. Now, I'm sure I have much more to learn than what I have attempted to so far, but this year I want to take part in this fast. This fasting of the the season isn't being done to find my worth in what I can abstain from and remove from my life (as I have always thought it to be). Rather, it is a simplifying of my life of sorts. It's abstaining from something that has the power to consume my time, my mind, my money, and so on. Instead I decide to use that time for things to make me more whole. My goal in life is to be a very well-rounded person.
I have been reading through a book of spiritual disciplines because I've been wanting to learn more on fasting. I was so happy to find in the table of contents all sorts of spiritual disciplines far beyond just prayer, fasting, and worship. What I found in this book were practices like, self-care, celebration, gratitude, community, hospitality, compassion, and care of the Earth. THOSE, my friend, are the kinds of spiritual practices I want to use IN this season of lent. I want to be present to the world around me, and to the God of the world around me.
So the question was, how can I do that? What is my anticipated soul looking for? What consumes my time after work. What should my soul stop feeding on so that my spiritual belly has more room for better things?
The answer for me may seem trite and unimpressive, but I'm not here to impress anyone. Actually, this entire blog post was intended to be a short sentence or two (which I am entirely incapable of) but here we are. Thanks for staying with me. My answer is not sugar, chocolate, or meat (although it could be... maybe should be at some point). My answer is very unfortunately Facebook. The voyeurism of the social media, the lack of privacy in the social media, and the sleeplessness of the social media is so disenchanting, and so non-edifying.
This is not to convict anyone who uses Facebook. I think there are great things about it for those who don't find themselves (ehhem, me) longing for things, coveting things, and being downright annoyed by people and things whom they (me) don't have any right to be annoyed by. Annoyed, judgmental, whatever. I was trying to use language less strong, but let's just call it what it is.
All this to say: I am signing off until the celebration of the risen Christ. Yep. Easter. If you find me to be self righteous in my attempt to explain my Lent fast, please re-read my list of reasons why. Or I will repeat: Longing, coveting, judgement, and may I add time consuming. For as little of time I DO spend on Facebook, and as much as I outwardly express judgment over Facebook, I sure do let it get into my mind and under my skin far too much. I confess. And my the Lord have mercy on my Facebooked soul. Repent, repent.
Here's to hopes of returning as well rested, gracious, and compassionate soul who spends her time caring for the Earth and the hospitality of others.
What the original intent of this message was: To let Facebook know that I am signing off. If you want to be in touch- Please e mail or call me. Perhaps next Lenten season I should fast from excessive words...