I know, every time I write now it has to do with my time of living in Illinois. You could tell me to get over it and move on, but I can't. Those two years were so formative, and I don't even think I realize quite how formative they were. But I get to step behind a lens every time I visit and see that time from afar, and it makes me see things I was blind to when I was in the heat of formation. It's hard to see quite clearly when we're in the heat of formation. But that's why it's so good, right?
The third time back to Illinois since I've moved to Colorado, and I see a new perspective. This time I see deep beauty, and it was beauty that I prayed for and felt so distant from when I came here. I came to Illinois seeing billboards, stoplights, and cars. But now everything has changed: I see tree branches silhouetting the sky from every window I sit near, and I see a vast sky which watches over the fields of corn, grain, and farmland. There are rolling hills, albeit small rolling hills, and there are rivers and streams. I made it a point to ride around this beauty and soak it all in. I made a point to seek these places out so I could meet God there and appreciate all the work he has put into a place I once thought was a dump. On sunday mornings I was surrounded by voices of angels singing "Hallelujah" before Eucharist that still makes me involuntarily smile with the deep joy of the Lord.
I thought that when I stepped away from the mountains that I had stepped away from the beauty of God's creation. What I really did was step into a whole new way of seeing it, and being lulled and romanced by it. These things made me love Him more, and love His Church. I had nowhere else to go but to God, and to beauty.
Any time I look back through this lens to a dark and difficult time in my life I see what was happening: The Lord was wooing me through it all. He takes me to a place and says, "Look at what I can do, Sarah. I can make the ugliest into the most beautiful, and I can make the greyest into the most romantic. I can make you love the parts you thought you hated."
I am reminded not to take for granted the friendships and beauty that now so evidently surround me in Colorado. And I am reminded to still seek it out even though it sits there, not going anywhere, right out my back door. I want to love all parts of life, and all parts of God's creation.
It's amazing to me that I can come back to this place now and see a garden instead of a swamp. Nothing, though, has changed. Only my perspective.
