If you take Ex-lax, this is what will happen:
You will probably take Ex-lax at the end of your shift at work. A co-worker has some; she says it works like clockwork, so you willingly go along with these heathen-istic actions. What were you thinking? Shame.
What’s going through your mind is that it’s only 7:30pm, and you don’t work until noon tomorrow so you have a perfect window of opportunity to let the Ex-lax do it’s business, or rather, let it let you do your business. Everything should go smoothly as planned. Yah know what I mean? Right?
The problem is that Ex-lax is actually against you, you silly person. It has a demon soul. The problem is that you will swallow these laxatives, and then pull into your driveway only to find that there are many, many cars there. Your driveway is… clogged, if you will. Much like your bowels. And your house. Bad.
No, actually bad is when you walk into your door absolutely mortified to see that your home is full of very attractive men. About ten of them. All of whom are currently drinking beers and having a jolly time, being attractive, and scruffy, and mountainy, and climbery… and will be sleeping all night on your living room floor. I repeat: what were you thinking? This mortification will promptly be followed by approximately two glasses of wine to try and ease the pains of… the pains. The stomach pains, that is. Instead, all you get from the wine and the devil drug is a night full of bad dreams of sharing bathrooms with good-looking mountain men, and standing in god-awful lines to use the toilet. Every once in a while you will wake up from these dreams in cold sweats, grasping your stomach because it begs you to just let it do what it wants to doooo.
A cold shower at 7am will not work. Promise.
What you will think, though, is that since they are off to do some ice climbing for the day they will be on their way bright and early. Not standing around, leisurely making breakfast and coffee. But you are wrong. They will be standing around all morning, leisurely making breakfast and coffee. More cold sweats to follow. In this situation, pass on all offers of coffee and any fibrous foods. Don’t. eat. anything.
Finally, the only thing you will be able to do, thank the heavens above, is to jump in your car, smile, and tell them you’ll be off to work early today… to… umm… use some of the resources in town. But Ex-lax can outsmart you, you see, because as you head down the hill from your house, your car will surely get stuck in the ditch, and you will have to grasp your stomach in excruciating pain while walking back to all the attractive men to ask them for help to get your car out of the ditch. That’s bad, until the car that comes to rescue you from the ditch also gets stuck in the ditch. I know you didn’t believe me that Ex-lax has a demon soul, but you do now. Ex-lax knows just how to humiliate you and keep you in pain all day.
Don’t think that one trip to that porcelain is going to make everything go away and feel better. Expect some terrible stomach cramps, light headed-ness, and the feeling of wanting to essentially rip out every single one of your intestines so this will surely never, ever happen again.
So I say, after this day has finally come to a close, you too, will fully understand the meaning of “Holy Shit”. But do you really want to understand the meaning of Holy Shit? Just say no.
Drink some prune juice for heaven sakes. Ex-lax came from hell, I tell you.
