There are many things Facebook is not good for. Two weeks ago I took a week off from the F-book and barely want to go back on for some of these good-for-nothing reasons. What, might you ask, are some of these things? Well, there is the obvious, of course. There is the fact that it starts to slowly suck up more time than you had ever planned it would, that it is an easy thing to jump onto when you're bored.
Things that I wasn't expecting to feel when I finally signed back into Facebook after that 7th day, though, have become more reason than the rest for me to want to stay away: Envy, nostalgia, longing, sadness. It mostly has to do with where I am at in my life right now. I'm sure not everyone signs onto Facebook and has a rush of these feelings being sent through every vein in their body. My news feed is packed with those Colorado friends of mine doing awesome things, going awesome places. Photographs of big rocks, and mountain landscapes, wild animals. Then I look out my window which sits behind my computer screen and see a lattice fence, a big house, but just a sliver of sky. My front door? More houses, fancy cars. Out my windows at work? A Starbucks drive-thru, stoplights, more fancy cars, giant grocery stores.
When I looked out my windows in Colorado I saw herds of elk, Mt. Ypsylon towering over the surrounding snow-caps, bathing in the sun. I saw trees and trees and trees. My heart is aching in pain thinking about it all.
The excitement and freshness of being in a new place (I use "new" loosely) has now officially worn off. No longer do I feel like I'm on another adventure in life. I feel like I live in the Chicago Suburbs. I feel horribly different from the people around me. I feel like I don't really fit in anywhere here. I can't get out to anywhere that gives me life until I jump in my car and drive at least two hours away, but the mind of the culture here in the suburbs is to keep you close by making these gas prices ungodly high. That way you don't go too far. You keep close to the shopping malls, salons, fancy restaurants and expensive coffee shops. A day off here is going to get ice cream, going out to eat, or some other form of spending money.
What was a day off in Colorado? Mountains. Nature, activity.
I know God is everywhere. He is omnipresent. He meets you where you need to be met. But I am having trouble finding him here. My most glorious experiences of God is in the nature of the world around us. I see His bigness in those Mountains and rock formations, and his delicacy in wild flowers and small wild animals. His strength in the elk and mountain lion, and the rushing rivers. God surrounds me while I'm traveling in adventure whether I like it or not, whether I ask for him to or not. He's there.
Now I'm in a culture that doesn't really celebrate that part of the world. God's artwork has been striped and replaced with four, five, six-lane highways, big buildings, and car dealerships. I'm sitting in a cafe now, and looking out this particular window I see the neighboring store: Autumn Woods. Nice, right? Actually it's a home furnishing store. "Kitchens, Bathrooms, Bars, Entertainment, Counter-tops, Home office". Everything you need to stay couped up in your air conditioned house and never leave.
It feels like a part of me is dying inside. I listened to God when he asked me to move here for community, for whatever the hell it is that he want's me here for. It was exciting not to know. But now I'm here. I'm living day to day, hour to hour. I had a dream last night that I moved back to Colorado. I was SO excited to be going back so soon. As soon as I had unpacked all my things, I plopped down in my bed and realized that I had made a HUGE mistake. I had to get back to Illinois and I had no idea what for.
What's going on here? I don't want to just wait around for some big awesome thing to be happening. I want to live my life, but I don't know what that looks like here, now. I know that part of me is just waiting for whatever to happen so that I can leave and get on with my life. That's not right either. But I'm afraid my soul might die here before I can ever start to find life in this place.
Holding back my tears in this public place, I pray God, please meet me here. I have so much more to pray for, but have lost the ability to express it.
