Why the constant teeter todder... and how do you spell that, anyway?
Anticipation is killing me, by the way. Not knowing where I'm going to sleep each night while I'm on the road, not knowing where I will be able to make money next, while stressful, I can handle. But not knowing when I can get taxes done, not knowing when I can get rid of my piece of a car and get a new one. Not knowing if the one I want will even be available to me... this I cannot handle. Not knowing which direction to move forward with in my very near future, I can't handle. And then having my much anticipated massage be cancelled on me literally as I'm on my way to a glorious hour of relaxation, I cannot handle.
I am overwhelmed with thoughts of bigness and heaviness. I am overwhelmed with thoughts about how broken of a world we live in, how creation is being destroyed before me, how people and animals get mistreated in this world. I am overwhelmed with thoughts of how no one at my workplace seems to understand or accept my tendencies toward dramaticism. Sometimes I'm loud, and big with my words, sometime I speak passionately about things that might not seem like a big deal. Sometimes I am just dramatic. And it's not even in-your-face or angry, or mean. In fact, it's usually dramatic, but fairly light-hearted at the same time because I KNOW I'm dramatic. And sometimes I just want people to accept that rather than say, "Geez, calm down Sarah", even if it is jokingly.
I am overwhelmed with the fact that I am in transition towards something totally unknown and each day it gets closer. I am overwhelmed with the fact that it might not be taking a turn in a direction that I think is perfect. I am overwhelmed with coldness, and the deadness of the trees. I need nature back and alive for me to spring up and show me once again that life will come, and the sun will finally nourish in the way that is most needed.
I am sick of thinking about all the things I would do in life, that I will do in life. I'm sick of thinking of all the options I have, the ones I can take, and the ones I can't take. I'm sick of longing over pictures of beautiful places, and I'm sick of looking at cars that I need to buy but currently can't act on actually doing just that. I am sick of life pulling the rug out from under me right when I start to feel like I'm beginning to stand up all the way. Why? That's just mean. I realize that incredible growth can come in these times if we let ourselves grow. But I just want to rest. My growing pains are making me weary.
And I'm sick of the whole "you're in your 20s and finding yourself" stage of life. I know that life is an ever continual process of growth and finding ones self, but for this particularly large and in-charge place of life... I'm done. I'm done. And I'm only half way through? Lord, have mercy.
I realize now that throughout this day I have said, "I've got to do something", and, "I'm done", more than I've said any other phrases this day. And they are incredibly opposing things to say.
Gosh. That's me right there for yah. The walking opposition. I feel it down to my bones.
It's a long and rugged road, and we don't know where it's headed,
but we know it's going to get us where we're going.
And when we find what we're looking for we'll drop these bags and search no more,
'Cause it's going to feel like heaven when we're home.
There's no such thing as perfect, and if there is we'll find it when we're good and dead.
Trust me I've been looking, but tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead.
Then maybe I'll walk awhile, feel the Earth beneath me.
They say if you stop looking it doesn't matter if you find it.
And who's to say that even if I did it's what I'm really looking for.
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home.
