Yes- it's a book title. But it's a good book title. It's a great art to know, wouldn't you say? The Art of Non-Conformity. I picked up the book because the title sums up everything I want to do and be in my life. Each day I spend here in Wheaton, Illinois, the stronger the feeling gets, but the further away the dream seems to run. Sometimes life's a bitch like that.
Overcoming fear is a fairly large obstacle to overcome in life, and chapter three in this book here is dedicated to talking about it and telling me that I should do it. Overcome it! Get past it! The pages are peppered with stories of various people overcoming some sort of conventional conformity that they fear letting go of to do something huge, drastic, and life-changing. In the margins are little quotes like, "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearful you will make one."
I agree whole-heartedly with all of this. The author doesn't know this, but he's preaching to the choir as I thumb through these pages internally cheering for all those people who made it into chapter three for overcoming their fears. I flew to Scotland by myself for three months when I was fresh out of high school. My car broke down in Colorado for three weeks until I could get it fixed so I used that as a springboard to do something I've always wanted to do: I hitchhiked everywhere to get around. I rode across the country with a stranger from Craigslist only to end up penniless in beach-town in Central California for the sake of living the adventure I've always dreamed of. I will do it. I have been extremely shy and introverted most of my life, but I will step past that for the sake of doing what I want in life (thanks Mom, for the gusto attitude of taking life and making it what I want. That is certainly a quality passed down from her). But for some reason I am reading this chapter through a different lens today than I would have a year ago.
Now reading this chapter about fear, and making lists of all these weird things I want to be doing with my life I am questioning myself. A bigger priority than ever before is listening to the Lord in my decisions. I find this odd thing happening as I'm doing this. He's... He's kind of holding me back. Or is he?
There is ALWAYS a fear when I start doing crazy things. Sometimes they manifest themselves very physically making me want to quit. When I lived out of my car two summers ago in Colorado I got so sick of it. I couldn't sleep at night for fear of an officer finding me and giving me the boot out of town, and I started to get horrible chest pains. I remember crying in my car sitting outside the hospital wanting to go in so badly to have someone take care of me and let me lay down in a bed for awhile. I also knew that I'd be paying off that hospital visit for a long time to come. And somewhere inside me I also knew that my chest pains were only coming from stress. I didn't go in. I sucked it up as much as I could, and I lived out of my car from May until September and soon came to LOVE it. Truly, I mourned a little bit the day I moved into a house with a king-sized bed in my room. The bed was bigger than my car.
I'd do it again in the heartbeat. I'd have fears again. But is that what the Lord wants me to do? I dream of buying a bus and putting a few beds in there, traveling across country. But is that what the Lord wants me to do? I'd buy a huge tent and live on someone's farm out here in the Western Suburbs through the winter with the help of a wood burning stove, but is that what the Lord wants me to do? I am now having trouble deciphering if the voice of practicality is coming from God, or if it's fear in God's mask. If I take my fears head-on and overcome them, will I be overcoming my fears, or doing a double whammy overcoming fear and overcoming God's desire for me right now.
I have NO doubt that His dreams for me are bigger than my own. I have no doubt that He is preparing me for a life of grandiosity one hundred times more full than I will ever imagine. But when do we start, God? I am sick of sitting around and waiting. A season of waiting is always healthy, but I am ready and willing to do, now. More than ever. More than EVER.
Maybe the question of "Why am I here?" That I've been asking since April is not the right question anymore. Perhaps I should be asking, "When and how do we start?".
The Art of Non-Conformity did not come off of the "Christian Inspiration" shelf, and doesn't have a God to answer to in chapter three. I do. I have a God to answer to. I don't HAVE to answer to him. But I want to. Alas- Here I am, all comfortable and warm in a suburban home, using wifi and drinking coffee made in the fully equipped kitchen. In a way, I am overcoming my fear. I fear stability and comfort in an odd way. How's that for backwards?
I feel like a kid on Christmas eve. I want to run downstairs and look under the tree, start opening all the gifts. But they're not ready yet. Tomorrow they'll be ready, and there will be twice as many if I wait patiently.
Now that I've taken all this time to talk about myself, I want to challenge you to overcome your fears. Dream really, really big! Don't ask for small stuff. The Giver of these gifts does not like to work with mediocre dreams. So dream it big, write it down, and start discerning what fears you must overcome. Get inspired. We are created in the image of One who never does anything mediocre. A wild, and out of this world desire is planted deeply in all of us. Don't fear the idea of it. Fear the idea of not doing it.
