I love grocery shopping, okay. I'm a grocery whore (ew). I've been known to make up to three stops at the grocery store in one day. I go at LEAST once a day on a regular basis. It's just.... heeaven... All these things waiting to be baked and cooked. The aromas. Ah. It's a magical healing.
I spend as much time as I can at the grocery store, browsing for an hour until I finally buy my one item (so I'm not rich). Plus I've worked at Whole Foods as a bagger, and a cashier. Needless to say: I know shit.
I wrote this while I was working at Whole Foods in Seattle last year. I noticed how terribly uneducated the world seemed to be about grocery etiquette. Let's revolutionize the way we grocery shop, you eaters of the world, you!
Now I've come up with a list. I'm sure you'll find you life much more peaceful and enjoyable after reading it and taking into account each. and. every. point.
Perhaps you, TOO, would love grocery shopping as much as I!
This is for my dignity, and the future grocery shoppers of the world:
-When you're getting a cart out of the cart line, be aware of you surroundings; I may be behind you waiting to put stray carts away while you're giving your cart a bath in sanitary wipes so your food doesnt catch the swine flu.
-Are you the person who gets your groceries bagged and then abandons your cart in the grocery line right in front of the bagger? Stop doing it. Seriously?
-On most days, when time runs like it normally does, it takes about 30 seconds to take you cart from your car to the cart line. So, do it. Dont try to lift it up over the curb onto the grass behind the trees so no one sees it; your muscles dont impress me.
-I bag your groceries, but i do exist. It's nice to be smiled at sometimes.
-I'm not just a "worker", I'm a person. Common courtesies still apply; if i'm coming out of the elevator with a line of carts dont come in before my eight carts and I get out just because you're a customer. Do you realize how difficult that makes my life?.. Oops, sorry i just ran over your toes.
-When i'm collecting carts from outside I'm not playing a game. I'm working. And it's freaking cold.. And I probably just smashed my finger trying to get your cart out of the grass. So it's not actually fun for me to try and have to dodge you with 6 carts while you walk at me.
There are real live cars here, and we're not playing pac man.
-Control freaks, leave it at the door. For real.
-When you tell me not to put the bread on the bottom of your bag I am personally offended.
-I cant read your mind or see your muscles. Some people like to use one bag to save the earth, yada yada. Some people like to spread the love so the love is not too heavy. THAT'S why I ask you if it's too heavy. Not because i think you're a wimp. Stop laughing at that questions you macho man.
-To the woman today who gave me the meanest look i've ever seen: I almost cried. You were mean, and I was sincere.
-And to the other woman who shewed me away from bagging her groceries: That small shelf is not for you to sit on, it's for the grocery bags. Dont take your bad day out on me. And lastly, it's my job to stand there and bag groceries.. saying "go and help someone else" while you wave your hand in my face isnt proper grocery store etiquette. Ehhem.
-If you bring your own bag dont wait until I've already bagged your groceries in paper bags to hand them to me, and then get mad because i didnt see them tucked away on bottom of your cart.
If you want, though, you can donate that bag refund towards a vision surgery in hopes that maybe next time I can see your bags all the way from your car!
-When you say "hi" to me, and "thank you", I like it. It helps make my day better.
-Just because you shop at Whole Foods doesnt mean your hip and rich.
-To the lesbian couple with the little girl who bought 27 cans of black beans: ....................
-When you see an abandoned cart it doesnt mean you get to shove yours there, too, guilt free. However, if you dont feel like putting your cart where it's SUPPOSED to go, I can tell you where you can shove your cart... :)
-Please, stop yelling at your spouse in line. It is sooooo awkward.
-Why are you all germaphobes????
-I'm trying to exist and be in on the conversation you're having with my cashier. I'm not trying to sneeze on your food.
-Why is everyone over the age of 12 in this city married?
-I really do love everyone.
-Lastly, to all the men who buy bag fulls of tofu and soy milk.... estrogen. You might want to go upstairs to bartells and make sure they make a bra in your size. All that soy business is packed with hormones. Faaaabulous .
