putting on my hitchhiking lens

Sometimes I held up a sign, sometimes I didn’t need to do anything but walk. In rare bouts of goofiness I'd dance with my thumb out. There must have been something about my loaded backpack and the fact that I was walking entirely too close to the cars on a road that had no sidewalk. Each time a car would pull over and roll down the window a thrill of excitement would jolt down my back. Rarely was there fear- just the wind of the cars who blew past me as I approached my next ride out of town. 

All I heard were rocks under my footsteps, and the passing cars that were once loud filtered quietly in the background. There was never a certain type of person who would pick me up while I was hitchhiking that short few miles between town and my current "home". Once a middle aged woman, another time an older Morman business man- he gave me a ride and I gave him directions. A quiet, non-talkative young-twenties couple picked me up in their disastrous car filled with the aroma of pizza on their way out of town.  That day it took me a bit longer to catch a ride.

Every time I stepped into a new car I got to step behind the life of another American citizen living their life, and being generous. The fulfillment they seemed to get from “saving me” (as some would put it) “from the creepers out there” was no doubt contagious. Hitchhiking for those three weeks wasn’t just a form of transportation. It was an exchange of gifts between two people: the driver and the passenger. Each time the exchange would shine all the more hope on the goodness of what is in the human heart.

Seattle, Seattle

It's not a place that I plan to move back to. But it's a place that is very dear to my heart. 

Thinking about Seattle..

Seattle's overcast skies don’t put a damper on the vibrancy of life. There is crispness and excitement in the air. Cloudy days are beautiful, and it makes the sunny ones all the more exciting when the clouds decide to part. A modest beauty surrounds the city. Seattle knows it’s glory and the glory that surrounds it, but it keeps it secrete until that special sunny day when the ocean glistens and Mt. Rainier tantalizes the Seattle skyline with it’s snow-cap diving into the ceiling of the atmosphere. It’s surrounded with natural beauty, all four seasons, yet with a perfectly mild flavor and a general harmony with the earth. This is where city and nature meet. It’s where Mercedes and VW buses enjoy each others company on the road. It’s where healthy and indulgence realize that they don’t always have to be at odds. Seattle welcomes the corporate world, family lifestyles, and radical subcultures. 

To me, there has never been a more well rounded city.

Sunsets

The backdrop of the sunset lights the sky on fire every night putting on a grand finale of color. The landscape bows as it turns into silhouettes reminding the world to take a break, look at the sky, and marvel in the glory of God’s creativity.

Not a night goes by without this incredible show. I don't want to miss a single one.

God must be a mad scientist

It is beautiful outside. I've never felt a beauty and love so evident in the sunshine as I do right now.
I've never heard the animals singing to the Lord as I do now. And through it God speaks to me! The creator of the sun and those wacky weird clouds in the sky, and He wants to love me through it.
Really, only some crazy artsy fartsy artist could come up with something as weird as clouds. Go outside and look at them. The glow that they have against such a vibrant blue backdrop- tufts of strange shapes moving with freedom across the sky. They're weird.
And only a mad scientist can think up an idea that makes the clouds functioning parts of the planet. Something that the world relies on.
That's amazing.
I asked God this morning as I was walking down the street if He was some kooky artsy fartsy God. I looked out at the backdrop of the highway and the plains, and saw something extraordinarily beautiful in it. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, Sarah," God replied, noting that I am His daughter, and I am like Him. And yes, He probably is kooky.
If the God of all these things around me - The Writer of my story - says that of me, then it must be true.

God didn't just create this place over the course of six days at the beginning of time and then be done with it. He is constantly creating, and still creating, making new things, and re-beautifying the old things. This place we get to live in is constant, moving, growing creation of His.

Now don't freak out when I say that God talks to me. I dont hear voices. And I think God talks to all of us. God is our convictions and our conscience. He is not our guilt. God is our intuition and our gut feeling. He is not our weakness. He is our encouragement and strength that speaks to us from within when we find ourselves strong. In those moments is when God is telling us the great things about ourselves.
God is not our shame.
So when I say that I speak to God, and God speaks to me, I say that I am learning to hear the things within as His great voice, and I learn to look to that all the time. When I think I need it, and when I don't think I need it, because inevitably I always need it.

Look at how kooky and beautiful this place is. God must be quite an interesting charachter. I've gotten to know His nurturing side, His comforting side, and the side of Him that provides and takes care of His people. His encouraging side, and His great Father side. I'm even starting to see His artistic and mysterious side.
What I want to know and enjoy now is God's kooky side.
I started today in the clouds. Perhaps the most poignant place to learn about someone's inner kook.

these things...

Things I would like to do/accomplish:

Short-term(ish) realistic-

-Hike the Appalachian Trail or Pacific Crest Trail

-Take a canoe/camping trip over the course of 1 to 2 weeks

-Travel the country in a converted bus or van selling artwork and being adventurous

-Take a back-country camping trip (I've never done it)

-Go to one of the National Rainbow Family Gatherings that are held yearly in the first week of July

-Sell at least one piece of mosaic art work

-Take creative nonfiction writing classes

-Learn to brew a good, dark, malty beer!

-Learn to do an oil change on my car

-Learn all I can to be more self-sustainable (ie. skinning a hyde, butchering, milking and making cheese, gardening, etc.)

-Make a sourdough starter that I can keep and pass along to others as the starter grows

Longer-term/and still contemplating:

-Start a small hostel in the mountains that serves a delicious breakfast every morning
(or)
-Open a cafe in an artsy-fartsy mountain town that also serves a delicious breakfast. No to-go cups. Only mugs to sit and enjoy the creative atmosphere :)

-Own a kiln and pottery wheel

-Write a book

-Live in a yurt (preferably a yurt community) with close friends who work together raising animals, planting gardens, baking delicious breads, and being creative and active and involved in the world- preserving and using the earth and talents that God gave us

-Travel around with my kids in a converted bus or RV showing them the beautiful people and scenery of this world

-Go to culinary school to learn how to better worship God through the gift of tasty food- when we eat and enjoy it we are worshiping God. He delights in us taking joy in how we take care of our bodies

Anybody want to do these things with me!? Let's get started :)

1010

My story telling abilities are less than par today because I've been sick. Bare with me. I want to tell about how God truly want's us to live and enjoy life. That's the kind of God He is. And He will help provide for that.

My great friends Tessa and Dorian Richardson let me live in their home in the Gold Coast for a week while they were out of town. It was perfect timing, and a great, restful time for me to just be somewhere. Just be. Read. Watch a movie or two.
I'm just going to take a few seconds to update anyone who doesn't know about my downward spiraling life right now. At that point I was stuck in Chicago, my previous boss refused to pay me my $500 paycheck (and continues to), my oldest sister and her husband found out of some terrible complications with their precious 20 week old baby Jonan who was still in her belly at the time. My wonderful boyfriend and I broke up (on very good terms) a couple weeks previous. And the joyous car... the car trouble is the story of my life. My car has been broken down for almost an entire month now.
This one particular day I was staying at Dorian and Tessa's I had planned to go get myself a CTA pass and a Chicago Public Library card so I could get around to see some wonderful friends I had made plans with, and so I could read a few good books.
Stop 1: Buy my CTA pass. Stop 2: Stop at the bank and see how much money I have (or pennies). Stop 3: Library. Stop 4: Make use of my Starbucks gift card.
To make a long story short, I didn't have enough money for the CTA pass. I nearly got lost looking for a bank that doesn't exists (damn you google maps). I ended up at the wrong library- finding the correct one, it wasn't open yet. I knew where Starbucks was though, and that was the only thing that was going to right in this day.
"Give me a break, please God," I prayed as I walked away from the closed library.
As I reached the end of the giant line at Starbucks the nice man in front of me started making small talk about remembering when there were no cell phones, and "they know my drink here- I don't even have to say anything when I walk in." Not really in the talking mood, but I smiled and nodded.
We ended up creaming our coffees at the same time.
"So are you on lunch break? What's going on here?" There were a ton of high school kids walking around.
"Uh, I don't know. I'm not in high school." I responded.
"Lunch break for work?"
"Ha, not working right now."
"Oh... well, are you looking for a job?"
Doug introduced himself to me, handed me his business card, and offered me a job at his law firm. Whoa, God. I didn't quite believe what was happening. Doug even offered to give me a short term position.
I quickly ran back to the apartment and e mailed him as he had asked, and we decided to meet in an hour on his lunch break to talk more about this opportunity.
Well now, I'm not the secretary-at-a-law-firm type- but I could be for a couple of weeks.
I'm amazed at God. I was walking down the street praying, and the next interaction I had was one offering me a job! That was what I needed. That's only stuff you hear about in movies.

An hour later and I shnazzed myself up to look less like a dirty hippie, and more like a professional. Doug and I met at Quiznos and he offered to buy me a sandwich. Anything I wanted. Just not the smallest item.
We sat at the table and talked, Doug asked me some questions about my previous experiences until he opened it up to me to start asking questions, and when I did he was strangely vague. He couldn't quite give a job description as I had asked. Nothing was very specific, but I knew he had immediate needs, and long term needs. I also found that the only people working for him was him, and he works out of his home office.
I went back to the apartment after the two hours of talking really unsure about everything. God had seemed to put this out there for me in such an obvious way, and now I didn't know what to do because I was growing uncomfortable with it. I battled it all in my head. How can I just give up something God put there for me? If I think He placed that opportunity for me there, then won't he make sure I'm protected too? I prayed again for Him to help me decipher whether or not this was a good idea, because I was having trouble on my own.
What I finally realized, was that's why God gives us intuition, feelings, concerns. If we learn to exercise and trust those parts of us, that is learning to trust what God gave us. We are not always wrong. The thing I was praying for was already telling me what to do. It was telling me that I felt uncomfortable with this, that red flags were going up, and that for some strange reason I was wanting to avoid this man walking down the street. Even though I was certain God put that man there to offer me a job, I was more certain that it was probably not a good idea to be working for him in his home office by myself.

I was telling this to my sister Julie and her friend Katie as we were hanging out one night. I wondered why I was so certain that it was God putting that man there. Katie said, "Maybe it was so you could get a free lunch."
Free lunch. Of course! I had been eating toast, eggs, and oatmeal because it was all I had. Doug bought me a big meaty sub sandwich that filled me up much better than eggs had been doing. What a great blessing it was to be fed. God really is in everything. I am so certain of it.

Fast forward two days later. I asked Julie to see if there were any job openings in Champaign so I could make some money for a couple of months. What would be great? A job that I love. A job that knows I'm only going to be there for a couple of months so I don't feel like a terrible person when I quit. A place to live.
That seemed like too much to ask for, so of course I was willing to just settle with any job and a place to live.
But God doesn't want us to settle. And I know that because Julie called me that evening to tell me I already had a job at a Bakery in Champaign, and they know I'll only be there for a couple of months. I planned to take the train down to Champaign in two days to secure everything. To my great surprise everyone had two whole snow days when I got down, and I got welcomed into Champaign with lounging around playing games, painting, and watching movies. Of course I was asleep for half of it because I had limited energy, but I enjoyed every second. And here I thought I was going to be spending the week sick, by myself because everyone would be at work. This was much better.
Possibly the greatest part to this was that Julie's friends Katie and her husband Jeremy invited me to live in their extra bedroom in their house for a couple of months. This eliminates the stress of not knowing when I'll be out of Julie and Josh's one-bedroom home, and how I'm going to find a place to live in all this snow while I'm sick, not knowing my way around town very well yet.
Truly, everything that I was asking for had been provided for me, and actually, so much more than I had asked for had been provided. The easiest part about it was the peace that filled my heart about it. Comparing it to the uneasiness about Doug's offer helps me take comfort in knowing that my feelings are there so I can learn to trust them. God's probably not going to open his big God mouth and speak big audible God words to me. My feelings in this case were His way of speaking to me.
Soon I will have money to fix my car, and in just a couple of months I will be free to frolic in the mountains once again.
Despite my seemingly downward spiraling life, I can see that God wants me to live and enjoy life. And I will if He has anything to do with it, so I'm going to make sure He has everything to do with it.

I am auntie Sarah

I am an auntie.

My beautiful sister and wonderful brother-in-law got to give birth to their little Jonan Eilam Pelletier last night.
We found out two weeks ago about complications with Jonan and his life inside Kimberly's belly. He had amniotic band syndrom in which bands from the amniotic fluid wrap themselves around parts of him, and cause complications. In Jonan's situation, he was not compatible with life outside of the womb. Kimberly and Jeff love him all the same, and took wonderful care of Jonan for his short life inside Kimberly.
At 22 weeks, Jonan passed away in Kimberly's belly. Last night she birthed him. We all got to hold Jonan's little body, touch his perfect legs, and see how much of an amazing little person he is.
There was a deep sadness, and an abounding joy covering the entire day. I don't think anyone knew how to put those feelings together, but Kimberly and Jeff were the light and inspiration of the entire day. Every time we walked into the hospital room to see them a sense of comfort fill the air. Kimberly and Jeff are incredible, and I have no other words.
They are Jonan's parents, and they will be forever. There was a great sense of that when Kimberly and Jeff were sitting next to each other, holding their first born. It was beautiful. She marveled at how perfect his feet were.
I held Jonan's half pound body in my hands and cried over him, over how I miss the life I will not know, cried for Kimberly and Jeff, but also cried for how glad I was that he was here. I felt his teeny bottom in my hands and I wanted to hug his gentle body. 

There was a moment in the waiting room where our family was sitting in mourning while Kimberly was going through her first set inducing medications. Another family was sitting joyful next to us. A man entered the room, they all stood up, "It's a boy!" he said, and the family stood up with exclamation! There was crying, there was hugging. The boy's name is Liam, and he's a big baby with a full dark head of beautiful hair. Soon after there were phone calls saying, "I'm a grandma!" and laughter filled stories about other children in the family. Such a touching moment for them, and so emotional for our family on this day.

However, there could not have been a more perfect moment when we crowded in to see Kimberly, Jeff, and Jonan after he was here. There was emotion, and a sense of God's presence everywhere. Jonan is real. Jonan is probably hearing stories about his momma from his Great Gramdpa Bob in paradise.
Jonan was born into heaven on January 24, 2011. He's my first nephew, and he has already changed the lives of more people than I have probably touched in my 22 years here on Earth. What and amazing little kid. I'm sure God is happy to have him at His side in Heaven.
Jonan's name means "God is a gracious giver", and although there is much sadness with Jonan's story... there is joy to outlast it all because of his life. This is not about a sad story, this is about a very real life, and a life to be very happy about.
I thank God for such a wonderful gift to the world.

Contrast

I love colors, and deep contrast. Perhaps because they understand me. I mirror them. We get each other. 

Now, peering out the window of this train and seeing the vastness of the prairies, the silos, and quiet lives, there is one thing that sings to my heart. 

I see a blanket of snow covering the farms. Sprouting through is a patch of tall, red, vibrant prairie grass. It sings to my soul; the color pushing out of the colorless; the life overcoming the death; the vastness of each, the importance of each, and the beauty of each - next to each other. Beyond what it seems, they are not at odds with each other. They are working together, singing to the dark night of my soul.

"Yeah, that's right"

Yesterday after I got off the Amtrak I was walking through the thick crowd of people in Chicago. My pack was heavy on my back, and my fingers were frozen out in the open holding my mandolin case. Must have forgotten my wrist warmers. Where are those things anyways? My fingers are freezing. 
I was thinking about my current state of life. How nothing is certain. We just can't count on so many things we count on. I've learned that the hard way. If the signs pointed anywhere in my life right now, it would be that life doesn't want me to have a car, or a phone, and probably not a computer either.  At least I won in the computer part of things. The computer has only pooped out on me once. Cars and phones... let's not get into that.
I started unrealistically thinking about moving into the middle of nowhere where things are more certain than here. The nightfall is certain, the daybreak is certain. The seasons will come, the trees will turn, and the season will go. Every day you know what you're in for. You know how to be prepared.
But when my $950 car is going to cost $700 to fix- that, I don't know how to be prepared for.
Man this sucks.
Interrupting my thoughts there was a crowed of small high schoolers with bright bags walking at me. I dodged out of the way so I wouldn't smack them with my mandolin and one of them handed me a pair of gloves.
"Free gloves?" asked a short one.
"What?"
"Free gloves." He repeated again... like, duh!
"Oh, seriously!?"
"Yeah!"
"Thank you!!!!" I had no trouble showing my gratitude and excitement in those two words.
It was a short interaction and we passed each other quickly.
I laughed a bit and smiled.
"Yeah", God said, "I do take care of you."

What the world needs now.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, because what the world needs is people to come alive."